BABYL OPTIONS: Version:5 Append:1  1, recent,, Date: Thu 1 Dec 83 04:13:25-CST To: SF-LOVERS at MIT-MC From: LRC.HJJH@UTEXAS-20.ARPA Subject: NASFIC in '85 *** EOOH *** Date: Thu 1 Dec 83 04:13:25-CST From: LRC.HJJH at UTEXAS-20.ARPA To: SF-LOVERS at MIT-MC Re: NASFIC in '85 ^^^^^^^^^^^^ A TALL TALE ^^^^^^^^^^^^ According to what I heard, at the end of World Cons, after the winning bids for future con sites have been announced, there is a final meeting featuring the successful sites' committees. When that time came at the recent Constellation, the Texas contingent (NASFIC in '85) was already on their way for parts West. But the conventioneers who showed up for the meeting found, on each chair in the room, a copy of the following-- THE HOAX REVEALED! Now that it's too late, fandom might as well know the full extent of the hoax perpetrated on it by the so-called "Austin in '85" committee. 1. THERE IS NO COMMITTEE! None of the "Austin in '85" bid committee actually hail from Austin. Only two are from Texas at all! The "Travelling Texas Road Show" was based in Greenfield, PA, where the hoax was originally conceived. Most of the bid members were natives of Greenfield or nearby Scranton. The two Texas members served only to get authentic Texas postmarks on correspondence. Several of the people listed on bid sheets (i.e., Steve Jackson, Jim Gould, and Dr. Chad Oliver) don't even exist. 2. THERE IS NO HOTEL! The luxurious "Austin Hyatt Regency" shown in the bidding information really did exist - in Saigon. All floor plans and interior photos came from the souvenirs of a committee member who was heavily involved in the unusual-substances trade during the war. The hotel building is now a barracks in Ho Chi Minh City. 3. THERE IS NO CITY! As all Texas historians know, Austin was, indeed, the capitol of Texas - until 1866. During Reconstruction, the state government was moved to Fort Worth. With no native industry or natural attractions, the settlement on the banks of the Colorado "river" soon dwindled. The town of Austin is now a historical site, with a population of less than 300 and no industry except tourism. Even the "Austin" postmarks are applied at the Cedar Park post office, 20 miles to the north. All the "Austin" skyline photographs were taken from miniatures in Phoenix, Arizona. The various Chamber of Commerce publications were entirely counterfeit, except for a few glossy pamphlets originally produced in Austinton, Nevada, and cunningly changed (or pasted up to obscure the name). The Austin newspapers displayed in the scrapbook at the chili parties were copies of the Fort Worth STAR-TELEGRAM with a fake logo attached. And it's easy to draw new cities into Texas maps, consisting as they do of hundreds of thousands of square miles of empty space crossed by dirt roads. 4. THERE IS NO TEXAS FANDOM! Obviously, this hoax would have had no chance of succeeding if anyone in fandom had been in the least familiar with Texas. However, since (by actual count) only four "real Texans" have ever attended a science fiction convention - and since one of these is dead, one is in Detroit, and the other two were in on the joke - it was easy to pull off. It was pathetically simple to convince trusting SMOFs that Texas is really just like any place else, and that there was a thriving colony of fans in that misbegotten desert. Actually, Texas is entirely unfit for human habitation. There are no native science fiction conventions: the program material for "AggieCon," "ArmadilloCon," and the other "Texas conventions" was the product of a few days' work for two mimeos and a Xerox copier in Wilkes-Barre. (Ironically, the "chili" served by the travelling Austin road show was the only authentic thing about the entire bid. The original recipe for chili used viciously hot peppers and other native weeds to disguise the tainted flavor of the carrion which was the only protein available to Texas squatters. Thanks to the bounty of our nation's highways, the chili served by the Texas bidders was always genuine in every respect.) 5. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN ARMADILLO! The ludicrous appearance of Austin's totem animal should have given the whole thing away. Obviously, there is no such creature! While Texas rats do indeed grow to over two feet long, the scaly hide and friendly appearance of the armadillo were both figures of the bidders' fevered imagination. The "live shots" of armadillos, as shown by the bid committee, were actually DR WHO out takes, showing an early (and rejected) version of the Daleks. 6. THERE IS NO RECOURSE! The World Science Fiction Society is now legally obligated to hold the 1985 NASFIC in a desert whistle stop. There's nothing that anybody can do about it, and nobody in their right mind will go. However, we don't expect this to deter many fans... so herewith, a few bits of advice. FIRST - Don't expect a friendly reception. Texas is populated entirely by spiders, snakes, and starving, hard-bitten farmers, leavened by an occasional wealthy and decadent oil family. The Houston bayou country, of course, is infested with Cajuns, mosquitoes, and alligators. Texas has only two colleges, no institutes of higher education, and no cultural life. In fact there are strict laws against nearly everything a fan would be likely to do, either for entertainment or for a living. Law enforcement in Texas is strict, and the Travis County Sheriff's Department is extraordinarily hostile to students, Yankees, and strangers in general. SECOND - Don't expect reasonable accommodations. While the natives of Austin are utterly unprepared for an influx of the type a Nasfic will generate, they all make their living from fleecing tourists, and will do their best to rise to the occasion. Some campgrounds will probably be available by then - but DO NOT camp close to the Colorado River. Although it looks like a muddy creek most of the year, it regularly floods, often without warning. The convenience of a nearby water supply must be balanced against the depth of your desire not to be washed halfway to the Gulf of Mexico. THIRD - Under no circumstances should you bring ANY cash or credit cards. You will only lose them, probably the first night on the bus in from Houston. Carry travellers' checks or a checkbook. Travellers' checks are best, as the local courts will not accept personal checks without ID, and that is likely to be stolen as well. It is also wise to have a friend back in civilization who will wire bail money as needed. FOURTH - Make your travel plans early. Strange as it may seem, it is better to drive in your own vehicle than it is to trust yourself to the vagaries of Texas public transportation. Gasoline is plentiful, with the wait at the out-of-state-plates-pump rarely exceeding 30 minutes. FIFTH - A few simple health and safety precautions will greatly improve your chances of surviving the Nasfic. If at all possible, bring your own food and water. Spend the day indoors, if accommodations can be found, or at the very least in the shade, in order to avoid sun stroke. (Any convention activities which actually occur will be held at night, when the temperature reaches a bearable 85 degrees.) Before your trip, make sure you get vaccinations for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (carried by ticks), malaria (if you plan to enter through Houston), and brucellosis (a cattle disease communicable to humans). Pack a snake bite kit and a good supply of antihistamines, especially if you are allergy prone. Powdered sulfur, dusted liberally in clothing and your sleeping bag, will help to discourage fire ants and the common hairy tarantula. However, nothing repels scorpions, so be sure to shake out your shoes in the morning. And avoid any contact with the native vegetation, which includes poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, strangler fig, and carnivorous St. Augustine's grass. GOOD LUCK! (I wonder if the city slickers who wrote that were aware of the extra kick in that remark about brucellosis... It's bovine VD!) Anyhow, tho they are not personally known to me, said city slickers sound as if they ought to put on a pretty fair NASFIC, if having a wild sense of humor is any criterion. So, start thinking about it NOW, and as they say down here, "Y'all come!"